My Daemon

Home Again, Home Again

I've been at home with Alex all this week. He has RSV, a respiratory virus that's very contagious, so daycare insisted he not come in for a few days. He started getting sick on Saturday, when he had several coughing fits that led him to lose his bottle a couple of times. We still brought him to Simbang Gabi, a special Mass with Filipino touches at Eugene's family church. Alex started crying shortly after we arrived, so I spent most of the service in the bathroom trying to get him to eat. (I haven't converted and don't plan to, so missing the Mass doesn't bother me.) We noticed later that he was wheezing, and it continued on Sunday. So we brought Alex to the doctor Monday morning, and I've been home with him since.

Despite being sick, Alex has generally been in a good mood. Unfortunately, today he was really fussy; I think it could be due to teething. Hopefully he will get his two front teeth for Christmas! I haven't done too much besides tend and play with Alex and goof off on the computer with a new game. Today, at least I got to go to the grocery store while Eugene stayed home with Alex; it was nice to get out for a while. I also stopped by our house to drop off a few things and check out the paint job. The painters still have to finish a couple of rooms upstairs, but the downstairs looks much better now. I can hardly wait until Saturday, when we have some new furniture delivered. Maybe after that we can accelerate the moving a bit.

Updates

Remember a while back when I posted about my late night trip to the ER and follow-up ultrasound? Well, I finally got to talk to a doctor about the ultrasound. Yes, it's my gall bladder, and they recommend having it removed. So I've scheduled the surgery for January 9th. Let's see if I last that long; I had another attack last night, even worse than the previous ones. I didn't bother going to ER because I didn't want to put Eugene and Alex through another sleepless night like that one--and if I'm going to lie awake for three hours anyway, I may as well do it at home, where I'll be more comfortable. The surgery doesn't sound too bad, though I will have to stay overnight at the hospital. The sad thing is I'm looking forward to that; at least that'll be one night where I won't have to get up between 1 to 3 in the morning to provide Alex with "crib service." Recovery is expected to last up to a month. I won't be allowed to lift anything heavy, which will be a problem when I bring Alex to day care in his car seat.

Finishing up my novel is going more slowly than it did in November. Since we're trying to move and getting ready for Christmas, I'm writing mostly during my lunch hour, and this week I only did it a couple of times. Still, I'm making progress with the plot, as both of my heroines are in a bind. It'll be fun figuring out how to get them out of it.

As for the moving, it's going to take a while yet. At least most of the books are packed. But we still haven't figured out what colors we're going to use.

The Exterior of the House

I couldn't figure out how to blur out the address, so that's why I made the picture smaller than usual. But this should give you an idea of what it's like. Too bad I didn't think to take pictures of the kitchen. Maybe I'll do that once we're all settled.

The Christmas Party That Wasn't

Ever since I started working at my present job, I've been part of the Party Planning Committee. I do it because...well, most of my other co-workers won't. I've helped plan the open house we hosted when we moved to our current location, and I've been a part of planning the Christmas Party (now called the more-PC Annual Company Dinner) for several years.

This year it was going to be a grand affair, with our budget more than what we've spent before. We found a very fancy restaurant (they have baked Alaska on the dessert menu!), reserved a private room, and set up a several-course dinner featuring several different types of appetizers, a choice of entrees, and a dessert platter, with the menu custom-printed for us. We were even going to cover valet parking.

Then...the first winter storm of the season came through the Midwest today.

It took Eugene twice as long to get home as it normally does. Even going to the grocery store with Alex was hazardous (and I don't think he was too excited about experiencing snow for the first time). My parents were planning to come down from Wisconsin to babysit Alex while Eugene and I went to dinner, but obviously that was out of the question. So Eugene said he would stay home with Alex. That left me with a dilemna: should I drive to the party by myself or stay at home? Although I felt guilty about it, I decided it was best to stay home. If the main highway Eugene took home was slick, how bad would local roads be? I felt guilty knowing the fancy dinner would go to waste, though. But then my boss called, checking to see what our plans were. It turned out that only three people would be able to make it, so I doubt the dinner (which was scheduled to start at 8:00 p.m.) went on at all. I'm sure the restaurant will charge us full price anyway; they reserved the room for us, so they won't be able to make any money off of it tonight otherwise. In a way, it's too bad; I doubt we'll be able to reschedule anything. But I have to admit I'm glad to be home with my family, in casual clothes instead of worrying about what to wear (most of my clothes are in storage, so it would have been either a summer dress or black jeans with a nice sweater), baking cookies, copying music to my computer, and just relaxing in general. And I suppose in the long run, it's better for my company if we all show up Monday morning in one piece.

And Our Next Project Is....

Moving into our new house.

That's right; we closed on a house yesterday. (I took off from work early, so I didn't get to write during lunch. Instead, I brought my laptop along and wrote on the way to and from the closing.) We actually had the offer accepted back in October, but we didn't want to say anything until we had the keys in our hands, just in case the deal fell through.

We still need to paint and pack before we can move in, so it's going to be a while yet. In the meantime, here are a few pictures of the interior. (I have a couple of the exterior, but I need to figure out how to cover up the address. BTW, one of the regular readers of this blog will get a kick out of the name of the street. You'll find out more once we send out the new address.)

The foyer.

The family room. This is one of the rooms that needs repainting -- the yellow is much brighter in person!

The loft, where my new office will be.

I Did It!

So much for Writing: Impossible. I, a working mother, wrote just over 50,000 words in a month. I honestly didn't think at the beginning of the month that I would make it, but after the first couple of days when I did meet the daily quota, I became determined to finish despite a couple of unproductive days. It took a lot of effort, but I caught up. The last thousand was a bit tricky because today was so busy; I'll blog about that in a separate entry.

I learned a lot from doing this. I found that lunchtime is a productive time of day for me; I can write over a thousand words then. I learned how to turn off my inner editor and just put words down on paper, even if they're filler or awkwardly phrased. In fact, it's fun in a way to just let loose. At the same time, I also discovered that night time might not be my "write time." My exhaustion catches up to me at night, making it harder to write. There are more online distractions; even more importantly, I want to spend some time with my family instead of being forced to the keyboard to meet quota.

Speaking of family, I'd like to thank Eugene for his support this month. He offered me encouragement and gave me the time at night to write. One Saturday, when I was still a few thousand words off target, he even took off early from the clinic so he could babysit Alex and let me write at the bookstore. Love you lots, hon!

I still have a fair amount to go before I finish my story, and then it's going to need a major self-edit before it's ready for other people to crit. I think I'm going to continue to write on my lunch hour but slow down writing at home. I'd like to spend more time with Eugene. Besides, I have a new project to work on. I'll post about it next....

Christkindlmarket and Counting Down

I've been immersed in working, baby-tending, and writing so much I haven't had much time to blog. Still, I've surfaced every now and then to meet with friends and family. We got to see our friends Adam and Natalie (and their daughter Sarah) last week. It was great seeing you again! (waves) As for Thanksgiving, we celebrated at Eugene's aunt's house. There were a lot of people there, and unfortunately Alex didn't handle the noise well, despite our efforts (and Eugene's parents' efforts) to soothe him. He's also showing more signs of teething these days, such as chewing on things and drooling, so that doesn't help.

Despite all of this, we decided to try taking him downtown today to the annual Christkindlmarket in Chicago. This is becoming a family tradition of ours, so we were looking forward to it. We also thought it would be better to go now, instead of doing it in December when it might be even colder. I brought my camera along, but I only took a couple of pictures, which I haven't uploaded yet. One of the funniest sights was seeing all the pigeons gathered around a fenced-off memorial flame for fallen soldiers. I guess in the winter it serves a dual purpose, though some of the birds got so close to the fire I thought they'd roast themselves.

We stopped at some of our favorite vendors at the market. Eugene bought some pieces for our holiday village (we started collecting them last year), and I bought an embroidered runner for the holiday table. We didn't get any ornaments this year, though. Alex looked around for a while but then started getting fussy, even after I changed his diaper and tried to feed him. He finally fell asleep, which gave us a chance to eat. But we didn't stay too much longer after that. Alex was much happier when he woke up, so we stopped at my in-law's house so they could see him in a good mood. They appreciated the unexpected visit.

Writing Update: I'm over 40,000 words, which means I have less than 10,000 words to go. (To meet the NaNoWriMo goal, not to finish my story. My novels never turn out so short.) I have a lot to do now to start prepping for the holidays, but I think I can make my goal if I push. Wish me luck!

Back on Track!

I've been lagging on my word count for National Novel Writing Month since Day 3. (Between Alex and a party that night, I only wrote 50 words.) Since then, I've been struggling to catch up. Tonight, I finally did:

Target Word Count = 17 * 1667 = 28, 339
Actual Word Count = 28,435 (according to Word; I think the Count Validator for NaNoWriMo gives me a few extra words)

Given everything that's been going on this month, this is incredible. It makes me more determine to reach 50,000 words by November 30th. Hopefully I'll have some extra time to write over the long weekend, even if we have other things scheduled too. May the muse be with me, please!

I'm So Stoned, Duuuude...

I bet anyone who knows me never thought I would say that. (big grin)

After calling the doctor's office a couple of times and spending the last few days at work with my cell phone by my side at all times, I finally heard from my doctor. Well, techincally she didn't speak to me; someone else at the office called me while I was driving home from work tonight. The ultrasound I had on Friday "is consistent with gallstones." They didn't tell me much more than that; they just referred me to another doctor. So I'll call him or her tomorrow and see what's recommended. Maybe they'll be able to break up the stones instead of having to remove my gall bladder. From what I've heard from other people, however, having the gall bladder removed isn't too bad in terms of the surgery or the aftermath. I would have preferred not having two major surgeries in a single year, but you have to do what you have to do.

(Russ, isn't it odd we're both blogging about health issues at the same time? I don't know if I should start feeling middle-aged because of my health or youthful for using technology to discuss it.)

OK, I better get back to writing. Tomorrow is the halfway point for National Novel Writing Month, and I can't quite seem to close the gap between where I am and where I should be.

Still Waiting....

Thanks to all who sent good wishes/thoughts about my abdominal pain. In case you're wondering why I haven't posted an update on the situation, it's because I don't have an official diagnosis yet. I did go to my primary physician last Thursday, and she recommended an ultrasound, which I had Friday morning. Unfortunately, I don't have the results for that yet. I was supposed to get them Tuesday, but even though I called the doctor's office to remind them about it, my doctor didn't get back to me that night. Hopefully she'll call me on my cell later today. In the meantime, I do have medication in case I have another attack. I still feel some pain in that area (and I'm noticing other symptoms having to do with gall bladders), but it's nowhere near as bad as it was last week.

(And in case you're wondering why I'm blogging at 2:30 a.m., it's because I just finished giving Alex a nighttime bottle. He slept through the night a couple of times last week, but now he relapsed into needing a middle-of-the-night bottle. I hope this phase passes quickly!)

Writing Update for NaNoWriMo: I'm still slightly off pace. I should have reached 20,000 words on Monday, but I'm currently at 19,800 or so. It's frustrating because I'm only a couple thousand words behind where I should be; I should be able to catch up. I would catch up if I could write as well at home as I do on my lunch break. All I can do is keep at it.

The News You've Missed...

Personal news from me, that is, since I've been writing instead of blogging.

Actually, I did very little writing on Saturday. Alex was doing his usual weekend routine of resisting a rest during the day, and that night we attended a birthday party for Eugene's cousin. Alex had a bit of a meltdown from fatigue, but even so, many of Eugene's relatives wanted to see him. Eugene's mom held Alex while he napped so we could eat and socialize.

Alex was again fussy Sunday afternoon, when we celebrated my grandmother's birthday at a Polish buffet. I have some pictures from that, but I haven't uploaded them yet. I did get to see my cousins again. Although they're not that far away, we haven't gotten together since the wedding or shortly afterwards.

On Monday, we lost power during the day. Alex's daycare lost power first; I got a call from them saying I might have to pick him up if they couldn't get it fixed. A few minutes after that, we lost power at work too. Luckily, the power was restored fairly quickly.

Unfortunately, I have to end with some not-so-good news. I wound up in the ER last night with abdominal pain. It started shortly before I went to bed and just kept getting worse until I woke up Eugene. (Alex was already up.) I felt bad about doing that, but it was necessary, and Eugene reassured me about that. The three of us checked in around 2:00 a.m. and stayed until 5:00 a.m. The pain got better, but my bloodwork came back showing signs of a possible gall bladder problem. I'm going to see my regular doctor tomorrow to follow up. Too bad I forgot to bring the lab results with me when I was discharged, as that may mean they'll have to repeat it (which I can deal with) or delay further tests. Maybe the doctor's office can get the results faxed over.

And Russ, I'm a day or so behind schedule with my writing challenge. I should be at 11,667 words by now, but I'll be lucky to break 10,000 tonight. Maybe this weekend will be better for writing, maybe not. I'll just have to do the best I can.

So Far, So Good

I started National Novel Writing Month today (I blogged about it earlier). I actually started at 2:00 a.m., since Alex woke me up and I didn't get back to sleep right away. I also brought my computer to work and wrote during lunch, then I got another hour or so in after Alex went to bed. So far, I have over 1,800 words. I need to average 1,667 per day to complete this challenge, so let's hope I can keep it up.

As for writing like this, I'm forced to think less about what I put down and just focus on getting words on the screen. I'm writing a lot of cliches and repeating some words; this first draft is going to be too raw for OWW. But maybe this is a good way of learning how to write more quickly. I 'm sure this draft will need a lot of revision, as many of the scenes will be made up on the spur of the moment. The main thing is to finish the draft, though. Wish me luck that I can keep up this pace.

Misled

It's not often that I get to leave the lab for other work-related duties, but today I did. Last week, I received an e-mail about a free seminar about managing your chemical inventory. It sounded like it might be useful, so I got permission from my boss to register, then obtained directions from Mapquest. The seminar was being held in a special science and technology complex in Skokie, near where Eugene grew up. Unfortunately, the exact address for the complex wasn't available from Mapquest; they gave me instead a range of numbers similar to that address. I printed out the directions anyway, then showed them to Eugene. He knew of the complex and thought the directions would work. He also pointed out to me that I would have to take one of the Chicago exits off of the highway (detour due to construction). Lovely; between that and the commute during morning rush hour, I started to dread this trip.

Eugene had to leave extra-early this morning, so he did as much as possible (e.g., prepare bottles for day care, fill out the sheet) to help me before he left. Alex wound up sleeping in; I had to rouse him to change him for day care. He wasn't ready to eat before we left, so, feeling guilty, I left him an extra bottle for breakfast. Then I got on the highway.

The highway portion of the journey wasn't as bad as I feared; traffic moved along steadily, and even though it was sunny, the sun didn't cause delays either for east-bound traffic. Even getting off of the highway wasn't bad, and I didn't have to venture into the city itself. In fact, it was easy to follow the directions, and I was on time--until they led me to a community college. I knew that couldn't be the place, so I tried driving around it to see if the street continued on the other side. No such luck. I drove around a bit more and came across the vet clinic where Eugene's dad works. I pulled in, thinking to get directions from my father-in-law. But he wasn't in; the clinic was closed until Halloween.

By this time I was late. I called Eugene at work and on his cell, then explained the situation. He gave me other directions to the complex, but that didn't work out either. I knew I had to be close, though, as I could see some industrial buildings in the area. Finally I pulled into a parking lot and walked around until I found the right address. I was about 40 minutes late by the time I found the seminar. At least there was still time for tea and cookies.

As for the seminar itself? It was essentially a sales pitch for a software/scanner combination. You can print out labels with barcodes for your chemicals and then track them with the handheld scanner. It seems like a neat setup, but it's too expensive for our small lab. Ah well, maybe I'll get some ideas for something we can do on our own.

Still Sick

It's been nearly three weeks (I think) since Alex and I got sick. We're both still congested, though I think I'm worse off than he is. I'm also beginning to wonder if I have a sinus infection. I have a headache that won't quit no matter how much Tylenol I down. Other people have it worse, I know, but this cold or whatever it is is pretty bad. If it's not better by tomorrow, I'll have to call the doctor.

Speaking of being sick, we almost didn't get to go up to Madison this weekend for our annual early Thanksgiving get-together with college friends. Alex had a slight fever Friday night. Luckily, we were able to bring it down with medicine, and since he was acting normally Saturday morning, we decided to go. We stopped first at a local pumpkin farm to meet with some other local families from a forum we belong to. Here's a photo of Eugene with Alex in his Halloween costume:

Alex handled the car ride up to Madison pretty well. He slept for the first part of the journey. We did have to stop and change him, but that didn't delay us too much. We went straight to the church where the dinner was being held. As always, there was a lot of food and a lot of fun. The kids, of course, provided most of the entertainment. As new parents, we spent most of the time sharing our experiences with the other parents in our group. We've definitely moved on to a new phase in our lives. Alex was quite vocal at times, and not in a good way. I think all the noise was too much for him. We gave him a bath when we got to the hotel, since baths seem to soothe him. We stayed in a nice suite complete with a microwave and mini-refrigerator for Alex's needs.

Sunday morning we had brunch with the gang before heading back. (The weather was too bad for going around campus. I guess we'll have to wait for next year to show it to Alex.) We visited my parents on the way back.

There isn't too much else to add, especially since I've been going to bed early for the last couple of nights. I did find this site which has some links to some cool videos on YouTube:

http://www.ready-set-bumbo.com/

And you can watch one of the videos here:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=j5dPMtuZsCw

National Novel Writing Month

In case anyone needs proof I'm crazy, this is it.

I just signed up for National Novel Writing Month. If you haven't heard of this before, the idea is to write 50,000 words of a novel during the month of November. You're allowed to come up with notes and an outline beforehand, but you can't start writing the actual novel until November 1st. In order to meet the word quota, you have to average about 1,667 words a day. I'm lucky to make 300 words a day, and that was before Alex. If I get even a fraction of the way to the goal, I'll be amazed. But the idea behind NaNoWriMo (as it's abbreviated) is to focus on quantity, not quality. I'll need to change the way I write in order to make quota. Also, I'll have to bring my laptop to work and write on my lunch hour--something I told myself I'd do but haven't so far. Whether I succeed or not, at least this will give me some motivation to get writing again. I haven't done anything for a while (it's hard with a baby), and I feel the need to write. Besides, this gives me a good reason to stretch myself and work on something different from Paul Harrison or my Season Lords.

I probably shouldn't say too much about what I'm working on, but it's a fantasy novel, and the tentative title is Only an Owl. I'll be using the rest of this month for research and outlining.

Wish me luck with this new endeavor, and if I don't post much during November, you'll know why--I'll be saving my words for my story.

Not Really Turned On Again

Last night was the Genesis concert. (I blogged about getting tickets for this show back in...oh, I don't remember what month it was. My memory is as sharp as a damp sponge these days.) It was at the United Center downtown, so it was a big pain getting there. Although Eugene got home early enough to pick up Alex, traffic for me was pretty heavy, even though I left right at 5:00. Then we had to pack up everything Alex needed and bring him over to Eugene's parents so they could watch him. Again, local traffic was heavy, and we got there later than we planned. We rushed through setting up the Pack-n-Play for Alex and giving the grandparents last-minutes instructions, then we dashed off for the concert. We worried on the way in that we'd be really late, but luckily the traffic wasn't too bad. We did have to grab dinner at the United Center, since we didn't have time to get some decent food elsewhere. I did have pizza--something I've been looking forward to since giving up dairy in July (we thought Alex might be allergic to milk protein, but so far he seems OK), but this was a disappointment. Ah well, I can always make my own za.

Anyway, we did make it to our seats in time for the official start of the concert, which was of course delayed. We had a decent view; we were on the first level. Still, it was much easier to see the band on the screens.

Phil had some decent interaction with the crowd; from time to time, he brought out a digital camera to take pictures of the audience. The music sounded good, but for some reason I didn't get into it as much as I did the first time I saw Genesis fifteen years ago. Part of it probably was being exhausted and sick and still wound up from dashing all around. Part of it too was thinking about our son and wondering how he was doing; both Eugene and I had our cell phones clenched in our hands, waiting for them to vibrate. And perhaps part of it was not being familiar enough with the early Genesis songs. They played a bunch I didn't recognize, and I waited in vain for "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway." But even some of the songs I like, like "Domino," didn't get a strong reaction from the crowd. (Of course, we did have fun watching the drunks dance.) There were some good points, such as the drum duet between Phil and Chester Thompson. And I did get to hear one of my favorites, "Invisible Touch." But although Eugene and I did need the chance to have some couple time, I don't think we got our money's worth. Good thing we didn't pay for floor seating.

By the time we got home with Alex, it was about 1:00 a.m. (And yes, he still woke up in the middle of the night.) Gotta wonder how I made it through the day without caffiene.

P.S. Alex is still sick, but he seems to be doing better. His teacher at daycare said he was in a happy mood today, and his cough seems to be improving. Eugene picked up a humidifer for the nursery; hopefully that will help clear up his congestion.

First Cold

Alex and I are sick.

I first noticed it Thursday morning around midnight, when I fed Alex. I noticed he was breathing heavily but thought he didn't have the bottle nipple positioned correctly. But then at the next feeding, Eugene noticed the congested breathing and coughing too. The breathing seemed better when it was time for me to leave for work, so I brought Alex to daycare. At work, I called the doctor's office and on their advice took him in. He doesn't have a fever or an ear infection (though when they cleaned his ears he cried much longer than he did for his shots), so that's good. The doctor recommended against medicating him at this age, so we're just treating him with a vaporizer and chest rub. Alex is quieter than normal, but he still smiles and wants to play. I feel for him when he coughs and sounds congested, but all we can do is comfort him and tough it out. He'll have many more colds and illnesses, I'm sure.

As for me, I hope Alex doesn't have my symptoms, which include a headache, chills, and a sore throat. I'm not sure who gave it to whom, but hopefully the antibodies in my milk will help him recover faster.

We were planning to go to Lynfred Winery's Octoberfest this weekend, but with Alex being sick, we'll just have to forego it this year. He's too young for a stein anyway. ;) But it is a shame being sick on one of the last nice weekends of the season.

Overdue Update

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I've been meaning to blog for a few days now, but it's been hard to find the time. Alex doesn't go to sleep until 8:30 or 9:00, and some nights we don't get to have dinner until after that. So there's not much free time here. Last Thursday, as I was tele-experimenting and doing household chores, I thought to myself that I'm living the life of a Victorian housemaid. I've read somewhere that they would work from 5:00 a.m. to midnight. It hasn't been quite that bad for me, but only by a few hours. Hopefully things will get easier as Alex gets older (or gets better about falling asleep when he needs it).

It hasn't been all work and no play, however. Yesterday we went to a friend's baby shower in Chicago. Alex went too, of course, and he and two other babies were the stars of the show. Eugene made his (well, Paula Deen's) mile-high apple pie. It calls for two dozen apples, but he could only fit twenty of them into the bowl he used to stack the apple layers. What a shame. ;) After the shower, we visited Millennium Park and took pictures of Alex by the Bean. Here's a shot:
























Today we ran a couple of errands (such as spoiling Alex with toys and new clothes at Babies R Us) and visited Eugene's family. While we were there, Alex grabbed a set of toy keys and waved it around. It's always cool to see him do something new.

Writing: I haven't done much, but I've thought of a new opening for Lennon's Line (I mean, Thine Own Self.) I like the new first line; it's the rest of the paragraph that's eluding me.

I Still Exist...

At least, I think I do. ;)

I've survived two weeks of being a working mom. The mornings are hectic, as Eugene and I take care of Alex and get all the things he needs for daycare ready. Then I have to hurry off to the daycare to drop him off. He cries in the car, but most of the time he settles down once we get there.

In some ways, it's nice to be back at work. It's stimulating, and I get to pump and have a full lunch hour all to myself without worrying about Alex. Not much has changed over the summer, though there are now four people in the lab. (The summer intern decided to stay on longer.) This means we have to be more formal about reporting on our projects, and we're also having lab meetings--with treats! I keep busy, but I still think about Alex when I have a chance.

The evenings have become...interesting. Alex smiles at me when I pick him up, and he seems to be doing well at the daycare. But once he gets home, it doesn't take him long to start fussing, and he does it off and on until he goes down for the night (around 8:00-8:30). I think he may be overtired, but he forces himself to stay awake to be with Mommy and Daddy. It's nice to know he wants to be with us, but he needs his sleep. The problem is getting him to sleep on his own--and to stay asleep once we put him in the crib. Alex naps well at daycare, but he won't nap on the weekends, and he's definitely overtired. I'm afraid we'll have to resort to letting him "cry it out" so he learns to sleep on his own. In the meantime, we don't get to eat until after Alex sleeps, so it makes for a long evening.

Although the past couple of weekends have been gorgeous, we haven't been able to do much because of Alex's fussiness. Hopefully we'll be able to help him get over that. And no, I haven't done any writing either, not even during my lunch hour. I'm too drained to write, anyway. Probably the best thing to do is wait this out and remind myself it'll get better eventually.