Monday, October 12, 2009

First Paragraph Contest

Like the rest of the writing blogosphere, I entered my first paragraph in Nathan Bransford's First Paragraph Challenge. The good thing about this contest is that it forced me to take a closer look at my first paragraph. Here's my original version:

As soon as Paul Harrison left the stage, he ripped the holoprojector bands off his arms. His skin had been itching since noon, but it appeared normal. The sensation reminded him of the way his skin tingled whenever he crossed between the two universes through the wormhole. This time, however, the prickling was disturbing, not invigorating. He couldn’t referee Hamlet’s final duel while scratching himself till he bled.

As I looked at it, I decided that 1) it wasn't deep enough in Paul's POV, and 2) while the wormhole mention was supposed to provide some intriguing background, it felt forced here. So here's the final version, simpler and more direct:

As soon as Paul Harrison left the stage, he ripped the holoprojector bands off and rubbed his arms. Why were they itching so much, and how could he make it stop? It would spoil the show if he scratched himself like a monkey during Hamlet’s final duel.

I don't know how it'll fare in the contest, but I think it's better. If you're interested, it's entry #814.

1 comment:

Kat Harris said...

I like the second one better. Good job!

I haven't decided if Nathan is brave or insane, but I certainly admire his ambition. :-)

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