A Tale of Two Queries

Last Friday, I discussed the difficulties of writing query letters, especially for science fiction/fantasy novels. Today, I'm going to post part of my original query letter and a second I wrote to address some of the concerns my reviewers had. I'm just posting the part specifically about my novel, Across Two Universes; it's the same length in both queries.

Query #1:

On the day Paul’s mother was murdered, he didn’t perform his key scene in Hamlet. But when he realizes his Great-Uncle Jack may have been behind his mother’s death, his life becomes more like the play than he ever wanted. As the clone of a 20^th century rock star, Sean Quinn, seventeen-year-old Paul is the heir to musical talent his great-uncle yearns to possess. Now that Paul’s mother can’t stop him, Jack plans to force Paul to become a full-time Sean impersonator and give up his acting career.

Paul temporarily escapes his great-uncle by returning to the spaceship where he lives. Every year, the spaceship makes a round-trip passage through a wormhole to an alternate 20^th century universe where Sean is still alive. If Paul can persuade Sean to let him make a holo-likeness, then he can impersonate Sean’s ghost and trick a confession out of his great-uncle. But before Paul can meet the man he was cloned from, he first must convince other wary time travelers to let him visit the 20^th century Earth. Sean himself is slated to be murdered soon, something Paul’s mother tried to prevent. Would Paul honor her memory more by saving Sean or incriminating Great-Uncle Jack? If Paul chooses to save Sean, he could strand the spaceship in the 20^th century—assuming he doesn’t die in Sean’s place. With his life at risk in one universe and his freedom in another, Paul will need his friends, his holoprojector costume, and a quantum talent he didn’t know he had to avoid tragedy.

Query #2:

Every year, the spaceship Sagan passes through a wormhole to an alternate 20^th century Earth. Time travelers visit this planet to observe historic events as they occur and to take genetic samples back to their century. Sometimes they take samples from famous people, such as Sean Quinn, a rock star and peace activist.

Seventeen-year-old Paul lives on the Sagan with his family. After his mother is murdered during leave in the 22^nd century, he learns he’s Sean’s clone, created at his great-uncle’s insistence to be a new Sean. Although Paul loves acting, he doesn’t want to be stuck in the same role all his life. He suspects Great-Uncle Jack had his mother murdered to make Paul’s life more like Sean’s, but there’s no evidence. Paul decides to trick a confession out of his great-uncle by impersonating Sean’s ghost. He feels the best way to do this is to meet the man he was cloned from. But the other travelers refuse to let him do so, fearing Paul could change the 20^th century Earth’s history if he warns Sean about his own upcoming murder. Paul manages to escape from the time travelers to find himself caught in a horrible dilemma: continue with his original plans and let an innocent man die, or risk his own life to save Sean’s. Even that may be preferable to returning to face Great-Uncle Jack, who is plotting to use Paul’s girlfriend against him. Facing risks in two universes, Paul will need a quantum talent he didn’t know he had to avoid tragedy.

Which one do you think works better, and why? Do you have any suggestions for improvement? I'm planning to pitch this book as YA as well as science fiction; do you think one version would work better for that market than the other? Thanks in advance for your comments!